Chicago’s top cops brags about no murders in 24 hours

"Hey mom, guess what? yea, no one killed someone for a whole day"


Here’s something Chicagoans can celebrate. Or is it?

Police Supt. Garry McCarthy announced Thursday the city of Chicago went 24 hours without a murder or shooting. Wednesday marked Chicago’s first shooting- and murder-free day for almost a year. Early 2011 was the last time the city was this still, McCarthy said.

“This is clearly the result of the tremendous police work of the men and women of the Chicago Police Department,” McCarthy said in a statement, noting the CPD’s efforts to move more officers to the streets since May.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Are you fucking kidding me? This is how bad it is in Chicago? No one murders anyone for 24 hours and your boy Garry here calls the press to announce it like that’s a good thing. Hey Garry, here’s some free advice, maybe wait a week or so before anyone is gunned down or stabbed before tooting your own horn. You know what i thought when i read this story? “holy shit, someone kills someone else every day in this shithole.”

And not only that but, but the guy takes credit for it. “This is clearly the result….blah, blah, blah.”

Hey Garry, you know what this is the result of? It’s fucking freezing outside and people are too comfortable in their own homes to kill anyone else. fact.

This has to be the most out of touch cop in the history of cops. I bet his boss is pissed and called him to tell him to shut his fucking yapper and get back to work.

Mayor Rahm Emanuel, speaking to reporters at a meeting with small business owners and members of the Chatham Business Assocation, called the event a “significant milestone.”

“To me, that’s the city of Chicago we all know and love,” he said.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. A significant milestone. This is a joke right? Like NBCChicago found this on The Onion’s website and thought it was ligit and ran it? please tell me that is what happened. Listen, i’m not trying to make light of the fact that no one was murdered for a whole goddamn day, i’m really not. (ok, i am) But the fact the mayor and #1 cop are touting this is unbelievable. I cannot wait for some body to turn up with a time of death of yesterday and Rahm and Garry will have to change the “1” back to a zero on the sign at city hall that reads “it’s been __ days since someone was murdered in Chicago.”

The gift that I can only assume will keep on giving; 175 way to love Chicago

175 Ways to Love Chicago: Five Ways to Enjoy Nature in Chicago

This is part of a series leading up to the celebration of this wretched city lasting 175 years by Explore Chicago: The city of Chicago’s official tourism site. This one is about “nature” in Chicago. So get out there and try not to get shot!

By biologist Sarah Long

1)Sit in a kayak or canoe low on the serene waters of Chicago River’s North Branch and you are instantly immersed in a tree-lined oasis of hunting herons and kingfishers, chirping crickets and cicadas, fluttering bats, and the occasional muskrat, beaver or ground hog!

or, according to the Chicago News Coop- A dead dog, a cat in a coffin and a body floating in a submerged car. Those were just a few of the items police fished out of the Chicago River on a single day last week.

No Fucking thanks.

2)Seek shelter inside the haystack-shaped glass houses of Garfield Park Conservatory.

Not going to split hairs here, but inside a GLASS HOUSE, is not the outdoors.

3)Walk through the gates of Lincoln Park Zoo

Again, a Zoo is not nature toots. but nice try.

4)Watch thousands of migrating birds as they make their way along Lake Michigan each spring and fall.

Hooray, twice a year stand along out lake and watch a bird take a shit on its way to a better place and wish that you were a bird rather than a resident of this shithole.

5)Witness a rare view of what Chicago was like before European settlers plowed or built anything on Illinois soil near Lake Calumet on the Southeast Side of Chicago.

Honestly, i’m not even going to say anything. Southeast Chicago is murder heaven. So unless your saying that seeing white people kill indians is the same as black people killing mexicans and vice versa, just zip it.

I cannot wait for more installments of this series. I just started this blog and i was a tad worried i wasn’t going to be able to find enough shitty things about Chicago that required checking beyond the Trib’s breaking news page and going to page two of a “Chicago crime” google search, but fear not readers. They city shall provide!


Maybe the only good thing about Chicago realizes Chicago sucks, bolts for the coast

NBC Chicago

Playboy Enterprises Inc. has a move-out date.

The Chicago-based company will move the rest of its 680 N. Lake Shore Drive headquarters to Los Angeles on April 30, according to Crain’s Chicago Business.

Playboy, founded in Chicago by Hugh Hefner in 1953, announced last month it would move its editorial, art and photo departments by May.


Holy Cow! Even with an unlimited supply of hot naked women, Hef has decided enough is enough. Said to him self “Fuck this place, I’m taking my lifetime supply of Viagra and young blonde whores and moving to the Left Coast.”
Jesus jumping Christ, I thought it was bad here and I’m just a regular joe. Well, regular East Coast joe, which means I’m head and shoulders above you fucks. But even I think I could live out the golden years of my life in this shit hole if I had the kind of swag Hef has. But noooooo. Even living every man’s dream isn’t tolerable when you’re stuck in the second city.
I guess this means the only people who like this city and plan on saying here have never been anywhere else, right? Like they are so isolated and uneducated they think they made it once they move to Chicago? They are OK with shitty sports teams, horrible beer and general lawlessness on their streets because they haven’t seen that the grass is greener on the other side. It’s like that one kid from your home town who had a decent looking girl, got a job at a midsized local business and just said fuck it, this is the tops. I’m just going to settle down, pop out a few ugly kids and then die because I have never left this town, but i gotta assume there is nothing better out there. Yup, that’s Chicago.
But not Hef. Even old crust Hef knows Chicago is just a way point on the journey to a better life. Good on you Hef. Good on you.

Asshole ice fisherman from Chicago floats away for the second time in two years


STURGEON BAY, Wis. — An ice fisherman from west suburban Elmhurst had to be rescued off the shore of Green Bay — for the second time in a year.

Brussels-Union-Gardner Fire Chief Curt Vandertie says the fisherman was unaware the ice had broken away and he was drifting away at about 5:30 a.m. Sunday.

He says it’s the second year in a row the fisherman found himself in that predicament.

Vandertie says the man, from Elmhurst, would receive a bill this time for the cost of the rescue.

You know, once time when I was a kid back East I was swimming in this thing called the ocean. It’s like your lake, only bigger and better, just like everything else is back east. Anyway, back to this one time in the ocean. The waves (also bigger and better) were kinda large and i was just out there getting thrown around like a kid is wont to do in that situation and my dad had to pull my ass out. Brought me onto the beach and said “Son, you have to pay attention in the ocean or you will drift away and die.” “Ok, pops. will do.” You know what never happened again? I never got thrown around by the fucking ocean. And I was 6.

Here in Chicagoland, you assholes are grown ass men and you fail to notice, FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, that you are on some shitty ice floating away off the coast of Green fucking Bay. Like your football teams sucks so bad your fans travel to Green fucking Bay to capture some of that post season magic and you end up with your dick in your hand on an iceberg in the middle of a fucking lake. That is some industrial strength stupid there folks. Usually when I walk on ice the first thought I have is, “Hey, you think this is safe and not going to fucking float away?” and if there is even one second of doubt, i stay on shore. But not this asshole. He does it not once, but twice.

At least the good people of Green Bay had the decency to send this asshole a bill this time. Dickhead.

Chicago to be declared a “torture-free-zone.” Entire city expected to leave to abide by new law.



HUFFPO_ A City Council committee on Thursday approved a resolution declaring Chicago a “torture-free zone,” after years of alleged police misconduct gave the city a bad reputation when it comes to the treatment of suspects.

The city’s Committee on Human Relations approved the resolution Thursday declaring that “the Mayor and the City Council of the City of Chicago stand firm against all forms of torture and inhuman treatment, and hereby proclaim Chicago to be a torture-free zone,” CBS Chicago reports.


Get it? Living here is Torture? Like this city sucks so bad that everyone has to leave because it’s a torture free zone? Ah, never mind, to high brow for you mid-westerners. chumps

Illegal immigrant turns himself into police after figuring out he’s on his way to Chicago


Staff report

A 20-year-old undocumented man who said he was being smuggled into Illinois will soon be back in the hands of federal immigration officials after calling police himself once he was left by the side of the road in southwest suburban Minooka, officials said.

Shortly after 9 a.m. Saturday, Kleyver Gutierrez-Arceda, of an unknown address, called the Kendall CountySheriff’s office and reported that he was an undocumented person who was being smuggled to Illinois, police said in a news release.


It’s come to this, eh Chicago? Freaking illegal immigrants jumping out of cars in the freezing cold in the middle of nowhere and calling the cops on themselves to avoid coming to Chicago! Hey hombre, can’t blame you. Free housing and food and a flight back home. If Chicago had that kind of service for people like me from the east i’d sign the hell up!

Not being able to bury babies in mass graves causes bodies to stack up at Chicago Medical Examiners building

not actual photo of MEs office

CHICAGO (STMW) – To the disgust of some staff, bodies are piling up at the office of the Cook County Medical Examiner, stacked atop each other in blue plastic tarps against a wall of the storage cooler because of ongoing financial woes, the Sun-Times has learned.

All the storage trays are full, and many have a second body on them, according to sources in the office. Some 400 adults and about 100 babies are currently being kept in the cooler designed for under 300, one source said.

No big deal, just a major city with too many dead people and not enough room. Must have been a massive bus accident or something, right?. *checks article* Nope. Not even close. It’s because the County wasn’t hip with dead newborns and fetuses from miscarriages being “Combine for burial.” That is a nice way of saying, “please don’t bury babies in a mass grave, Hmmm,k?’

And guess what? This pathetic excuse of a city couldn’t keep up with the demand. Want to know why? No really, wanna guess? Was it because the new regulations came with a TON of paper work? Nope. Was it because the recent cold weather had made digging little baby graves hard because of frozen earth? Nope. To the Article!

“We haven’t been able to do any infant or fetal burials because we are waiting for some special boxes to be designed and built,” Jones said.


Yup, way to go Chicago. Keep up the good work